The following was inspired by a recent comment by Alan Reid on Racism in Thailand: A Day in the Life of a White Woman in Buriram. Alan describes instances of discrimination he has encountered in The Land Of Smiles then concludes with:
I try to smile and be friendly to the Thais everyday, however I have this bitterness and hatred built up inside, the same as you.
This struck me deeply, not only out of empathy but also due to the fact that eleven weeks after leaving Thailand, what remains and what I continue to combat is negativity within. Negativity towards other people. Negativity towards myself. The forms of this corruption were not in my heart before leaving Canadian soil in 2009.
I’ve questioned whether or not to confront my post-Thailand rage on MBSB. It’s a topic that I’ve approached with trepidation amongst friends. Despite how dark and at time of writing, taboo the topic is, it’s part of my process and I feel it should be addressed. What do I hope will come of it? Perhaps the effort will effectively illustrate how discrimination, thus feelings of powerlessness, can profoundly change someone. On a larger scale, perhaps the effort will convey how my situation is but a drop of the greater poison that holds us collectively down. At the very least, those of you reading who can relate, wherever you are on the planet and whatever the circumstances, perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
Indications that things were not alright after my arrival in North America:
- I’m at a festival in Windsor, Canada, my hometown. I see a group of South East Asians. I notice them because a woman in the group makes stoic eye contact with me. I am enraged. Shame and confusion follow; my reaction shocks me.
- I meet with a friend for dinner. As time passes in the restaurant I become increasingly withdrawn. Silently panicked. I try to focus on our conversation but something inside me is screaming. Screaming like a small child’s desperate shrill. My confidence evaporates. Softly, I utter my words. I apologize for my demeanor while being angered that I feel the need to apologize. What has become of me? Bees of mixed emotions battling one another within. We remain in the restaurant for more than two hours. After some reflection, I realize the source of my uncharacteristic behaviour; the near empty restaurant was staffed entirely with South East Asians. I felt unsafe, not physically, but on a level recessed somewhere within I was anticipating crushing cruelty. This in addition to the re-entry shock I was experiencing paralyzed me. I felt powerless.
- Currently and at eleven weeks in, I catch myself worried about my appearance in ways I never had on North American soil. This reflects how I began to feel in Thailand. I fear ridicule. Not by one, but by many. Not due to what I wear, but due to how I look. My genetics. The thought to cover my arms and thighs, the measures of judgement and mockery in Thailand is fleeting, but powerful. I attempt to eradicate the notion to hide my appendages as it arises. Nonetheless, it continues to influence what I will and will not wear. I remain a North American size 5/6 and reservations about wearing a sleeveless shirt persist.
It’s difficult to relay to you how I perceived myself prior to my extended stay in Thailand. All I can suggest is, I never thought that anything could push me to this state. In fact, I wouldn’t have had the capacity to even conjure the possibility and initiate the question.
- Wouldn’t leaving an environment I felt was unhealthy for me be enough of a cure?
- What was it deep within my brain that feared, sometimes to the point of defensive rage, groups of South East Asians (not contained to Thais) outside of the environment that changed me?
- What triggers it? Why doesn’t this uneasiness, in whatever form, manifest each instance I encounter someone of South East Asian descent?
Little of it is linear to me, but it hovers. Deep in my psyche. A negative force I neither welcomed nor consciously entertained, yet a force that powerfully shoots past what I thought was a barricade against becoming that which I despise. Thankfully, as time passes, its power wanes.
Where does this leave me? Ten months after writing my initial piece on the racism I encountered overseas, I’m continuing to battle its residual pestilence: as a recipient of it and now as a provocateur. How do I combat this? I identify the poison as it arises. I push until I understand it without judgment. And most importantly I do whatever it takes to not propagate it willingly or unwillingly. For me to do anything less is akin to calling those who treated me with malice and disdain due to my genetics, Master.
As always, your thoughts are welcome.
 Wednesday, August 16, 2012
Read the next memoir, Gratitude – Sixteen Weeks Post Thailand.
Read the last memoir, Re-Entry Shock – Over Ten Weeks In.
For Thailand solo travel and safety tips, in addition to Thailand information you won’t find in traditional tourist guides, please visit my post Tips For Women Traveling To Thailand.
I feel that your true nature of curiosity has created a veil of a second consciousness, a traditional/conservative Thai one. This feeling of being a constant target from just the external looks of southeast asians is almost creating a paranoia, so much in a way that it has made you a tiny bit racist. It’s like you traveled to expand your perceptions on life and another culture, but got carried away with protecting yourself(very understandable). You took the challenging path of nomadic travel and learned the language and customs as an inferior Western female…which is remarkable!
I’m not sure what this internal uneasiness you have is, but I think you have unfinished business in Thailand. I don’t think you came out of it with something that you were “proud” of. The western/capitalist version of you would say, open up a Muay Thai gym and teach the customs of Thailand and the ancient art. But that in itself would feel unfulfilled as you did not have a fully positive experience training there(which could be a constant negative reminder of the terrible misogynistic system).
What do you make out of this? Any short-term plans, or even long term goals? Even though I don’t know you, I’m just responding with what I only know from your blog posts. I find the fact that I am having this dialogue with you remarkable in itself, oh the power of the Internet. I just hope you can find something out of this, you’re on to something.
Thanks Dan. Great observations. I’m still not sure what I make out of my time in Thailand. What do I plan to do? Continue forward. 🙂
It would be interesting Laura, because your experiences in Buriram were so intense and so extended, if you attempted a kind of alchemy. Two ideas:
1. Use writing to turn psychological lead into gold. You are an incredibly gifted writer. Write something fictional, a novella perhaps, depicting the Thailand you experienced, but try to strain for all the beauty you saw there too – you SAW that too, I know you did.
2. Use the Art of Muay Thai which you trained in with great passion and endurance while you were there….Fight… Fight in the West. See what it does for you. Muay Thai is, as you deeply know, takes the most violent and makes it still, sudden and controlled. To fight is to actively transform raw violence into something else.
Much appreciated Kevin. I have a couple book ideas I’m currently considering. In regards to fighting – I’m currently taking an extended hiatus from even training muay thai. I continue to love the art and want to support those pursuing it – I just haven’t decided anything in regards to it in my life (training/fighting).
Can’t wait to read whatever you write Laura. It will be beautiful.
In Thailand I feel the exact same way as you. When in a resteraunt I am not the confident person I used to be anymore. I am worrying about people staring at me and how they are treating me. While leaving the resteraunt I would say to my girlfriend ‘they were alrite in there weren’t they’. During my meal the only thing in my head is what is going on around me and if people are staring at me or not.
I feel when I do go back to the UK I will be left psychologically scarred from my bad experiences in Thailand.
The thing that bothers me most about living in Bangkok is that in the past few months I have realised that no Thai person wants to be friends with me. They either want my money or want to know what I am doing here.
I have noticed a discrimination on peoples age here also. In jobs in Thailand especially. Most jobs are hired solely on how you look as opposed to who is best at the job.
Thai people seem to want to hold the young back and really do not give them the confidence they should be giving them to succeed in life. I constantly feel I am treated like a child which I hate. What annoys me most is the fat old men here who look like alcoholics get more respect than me.
I used to be such a confident person. I never thought a place could change me although it has. I have tried speaking to Thai people about there behaviour but they really dont care. The intelligent person inside me wants to talk to them and make them see how there behaviour is wrong, rude and racist however I have come to learn that they are happy in their ignorance and really do not want to understand anything about Foreign culture.
thanks for your post. interesting, as always. i am back in europe since 3 weeks after 7 months in thailand and i feel absolutely relieved to be back. the last weeks i met some random people to tried to talk with me about the beautiful places in the south of thailand, which is kinda weird for me as i have never been there and i made very different experiences than those people.
fact is: i lost weight and gained muscles from muay thai training and people here keep telling me i look more skinny and healthy. inside, i really do know i do, but i feel so insecure about my look and my weight. i have a little bit of an eating disorder, cutting out carbs most of the time and running like crazy almost everyday of the fear to feel big again..
i am so happy that people in my city talk about me about everything and my opinions are valued and not ignored. and here i dont have to be the beautiful farang girlfriend and i can be an educated, smart girl, interested in subculture and other things i couldnt back there. but still, deep inside i fear that people judge my appearance. i never leave the house withouth dressing up, checking the mirror and trying to look good. before i came to thailand, i never cared that much. my friends tell me not to worry that much, that they like me the way i am. i cannot spend too much time alone as i am thinking too much. mostly its about the negative things i’ve experienced the last months. same, i do judge people. i kinda check them out and compare myself all the time. i know exactly i am in a good shape and i can feel the condition while i am working as a bike messenger, which is great.
at the same time i consider myself as way too superficial even i am interested in a lot of things. in thailand i had about 4 months only thai friends and i missed to have normal conversations, which was also a problem because of the language barrier (even i tried hard to learn thai). but i noticed that my brain kinda freezed and i am very good at doing nothing sitting around and not even getting bored anymore. i feel like i could play angry birds for hours and it would be perfectly okay – compared to 10 months ago when i finished my bachelor thesis…
i really hope i can adapt again soon and my mind is not going crazy. i wish to not care that much and to have more fun. when i watch other people, i still think a lot, “this is not good”,like my thai surround ‘teached’ me everyday. i hope to be more unburdened and have more fun and get rid off the “bad things” in my mind.
not that i would want to critizise thai culture – i am really glad i had the opportunity to make this experience – but i think its a little bit sad to have left with way more negative feelings than the other way round. even i hang out with people like before and on the outside you would never notice that i am so insecure, i definitely need some time to handle my thoughts.
great to see you on here karin. if it helps any, and can be a point of reference, as my time in the west continues, it gets much easier. i really hope the same for you. balancing everything may simply take time. similar i suspect to how the changes you aren’t happy with came to being slowly, ‘getting back’ to who you want to be will too.
I had no idea you left Thailand already?!
But as usual, once again, this is a 100% amazing article. Some parts of it made me tear up, and I know when I read it again I probably will tear up, yet again.
I have decided to leave Thailand in a couple of months. However, my situation is a bit different, so I’m a little hesitant to put out my position. But I have been wondering what life will be like when I go back. Many of the topics you’ve discussed in this article are those which I’ve been wondering about.
I wonder when I get back, how difficult it will be for me to trust those around me;
How I will react whenever someone is staring at me (will it be my paranoia? maybe they want to ask me a real question? maybe I will be no-so-polite as I can use English again and tell them how rude it is to stare, without risking a thai beat-down, 50-1)
Whenever I go somewhere and I see a thai (living amongst them it has become easy to pick them out amongst other Asians, especially when they get to talking), how will I react?
How suspicious will I be of hiring a thai when one comes to apply at my workplace? Will I think of all the gossiping he/she will do? Will I think he/she is being nice to me to hurry and get a job?
How will I know when someone is telling me the truth? How will I know someone isn’t favoring someone else based on their ethnicity?
The fact is, I’m not the same person as I used to be. In some ways, it’s a good thing, in some ways, it isn’t. The things I used to despise in America – pre-thought notions of ethnic groups – was something I thought was despicable, dirty … but when I take an honest look at myself, no holds-barred, I see that I, in fact, have picked up some of those qualities in regards to thais.
When everything is said and done, I believe I’m doing the right thing. It used to make me sad to leave this country, but I finally realized that it is just a place like anywhere else, albeit the cultural difference. Whenever I evaluated the pros and cons, I realized my attachment to this country is an aesthetic one – and that makes it all the more easy to break off any emotions I have connected with this place.
So, in 2 more months, I will be headed back on a plane, to a place where double-pricing is illegal; where tea-money and bribes can get one in jail; where lying is shunned and honesty is praised and encouraged; where open minds use ingenuity to create for EVERYONE; where there is no ‘face (or should I say thai face’ issues; where I’m just as valuable as the next person, even if I’m as dark as the ace of spades or as light as a sheet of a4 paper); where pride comes after the hardwork is done … successfully.
I will have a good memory of friendships here, but by no means will I miss any of them. On the contrary, I’ll miss the weather, scenery of the north, northeast, and the caves of Lobburi.
Counting down the days.
I hope you’re on the up from the reverse-culture shock. Someday I hope you get to travel the world even more, and document as much as you can. You’re a beautiful writer – and you have a natural gift for this.
Thanks again Grant, for the kind words and for writing about your own experiences / perspective. I thought I’d link to an older post I wrote, Clean Heart Dirty Heart – it discusses a mindset that helped me move through the social politics of Thailand and it continues to help me here in the West. Perhaps you’ll benefit from it and it’ll help you in some ways.
http://www.milkblitzstreetbomb.com/sea/thailand/clean-heart-dirty-heart/
I am recovering from the re-entry shock, although I continue to have traces of it rear up. That being said, I’m noticing positive changes in myself as a result of living in Thailand. Thank-you for your sincerity in your comments – it has provoked me to write about the positive which is now emerging (or perhaps I’m taking greater notice of as the negative is dissipating). Expect to see a post in upcoming weeks discussing this side of my experience as well.
🙂
….In regards to traveling the world – that is still the plan, as is writing about my adventures.
I’m very sorry that people here are this racist but I lived aboard before and I faced more racism than this and it comes in more direct ways. Thai people are afraid to be racist directly, they won’t say go back to your country foreigner or try to kill you when you walk alone at night, most likely not. I lived in a country more racist than Thailand and just walking in to stores there I would fear that they’d kick me out, because when I first arrived there they did kick me out once because I’m Asian. I read your articles and its like girls here are jealous of you because you’re beautiful or something, I don’t think that is racism. And to be honest weighting 56kg here is quite fat but not real fat. I’m Thai and I just want to tell you that there are many more countries that are more racist than Thailand. And being white here js better than being Asian in Europe and in many other countries in the world I think. I’m Thai and I hate racism.
I want to begin by thanking you for adding to the discussion. I’ve come to believe that one can find varying degrees of discrimination/racism possibly everywhere – what differs is whom it is directed to and what the qualifiers are.
In regards to my experiences in Thailand I’ve absolutely encountered direct discrimination/racism – for example strangers passing me on the street and making fun of how the Farang (me) smells, which is a stereotype often attributed to Westerners. I’ve received text messages that specifically have read something to the effect of “Go home Farang. Go home.” I can speak Thai and I’ve heard appalling statements made about myself and other Westerners by Thais that didn’t know I could understand them -sometimes said directly to me, with I’m assuming the intention of entertaining the other Thais with them. In regards to my safety, I absolutely felt unsafe in Buriram at times – generally from large groups of girls. When I first arrived, there were times I wondered if I would have to fight them – this is of course perceived through my own cultural lens, meaning their verbal and non verbal communication resembled in Canada what could potentially become violent behaviour. I don’t believe I’ve written about this all on the site, so there is absolutely no way you would know – rather much of this is going to be saved for the memoir I’m writing. (If it interests you, the sign up form for the mailing list of the memoir only may be found at the bottom of this piece/above the comments). There was much that was direct and other forms that I question if they were indeed racism. For example, were some of the experiences (not mentioned on the site yet or in this comment) due to me being female and were they representative of what Thai women encounter or were they reflective of a specific sort of discrimination directed towards white Western women, which is reflective of many stereotypes about us? To this day, I don’t fully know, as it was often difficult to have in-depth discussions about these issues with the Thai women I know. I still have many questions.
I also want to mention that I believe there is a specific sort of discrimination directed towards white Western women that differs from the experiences of others, including white Western men.
I’m sorry that you’ve encountered the forms of discrimination you have in Europe. I’m with you – I hate racism and to add, some of the behaviours I’ve witnessed Westerners engaging in in Thailand, in addition to what has been said about Thai people by visitors and expats – it still sickens me. I enjoyed having conversations with Thai women explaining to them what is acceptable in Western countries (in regards to the treatment of women) and answering their questions about Western men. There are too many Western men that treat Thai women in ways they know they couldn’t treat Western women – and they do so because the women are Thai.